My Personal Wisdom


A collection of wisdom and observations that have become
indelibly imprinted on my poor little brain.

Updated May 24, 2010

There are very few things in life that are certain. I'm quite certain about the following:

  1. Don't fire a .45 out the moon-roof of your Cutlass Supreme without ear protection, as it is very loud. Also, the ejected cartridges are very hot.

  2. Smucker's Magic Shell Topping doesn't harden when you put it on body parts.

    • Corollary:  If you do put it on body parts, don't use the kind with nuts in it.

  3. Don't mix Almaden Chardonnay with tequila.

  4. New knives are very sharp. (Post-surgery photo here.)

    • Corollary: When a man picks up a sharp knife, he loses all sense of depth perception.

  5. More people love Celine Dion than you would think.

  6. Let your chain saw come to a complete stop before resting it on your leg.

  7. If you total a church van in Indiana, they sometimes suspend your privilege to drive in that state.

  8. Don't stick your hand between two male guinea pigs that are fighting. (Supporting evidence here.)

  9. Even old gunpowder burns very fast.

  10. A standard flat-blade screwdriver will easily go through the radiator of a Chevy pick-up.

  11. Enough catnip-flavored Pounce will turn your cat's poop green.

  12. If you're sneaking beer into a movie theater, you'll need at least two jackets and a large purse for each 12-pack of cans.

  13. Pencil leads jammed in your hand last forever.

  14. If a flaming marshmallow lands on your hand at a campfire, stick it in a pitcher of lemonade.

  15. Understanding Animal Sociology: One mouse feeds one cat.

  16. Understanding Animal Behavior: Every female knows for certain that her offspring are related to her.

  17. When wreck-diving at 120 feet, no amount of money will buy you better equipment.

  18. If you're serious about curing a non-migraine headache, place a Goody's powder in your mouth and let it dissolve there.

    • Corollary: If you can't stand the taste of the powder, your headache is not serious.

  19. If you get a ticket for driving without insurance in North Carolina, the DA will want to see an FS-1 form for the day you got the ticket.

  20. Whatever you put on the floor, the cats will want to be on it.

    • Corollary: The desire of the cats to be on it will be proportional to its importance and inversely proportional to its durability.

  21. When a woman shows up for a date wearing a Supergirl outfit, you will end up going to a gay bar.

  22. Kitchen matches will ignite when fired from an air gun at a masonry wall.

  23. 20% of the money will buy you 90% of the sound.

    • Corollary: Another 30% of the money will buy you another 5% of the sound.

    • Corollary: You can't buy the remaining 5% of the sound because nobody can agree about what it is.

  24. You can't control a car fire without an extinguisher.

    • Corollary: It's too late to buy an extinguisher if you car is already on fire.

  25. Always use the right tool for the job.

    • Corollary: A hammer is always the right tool.

    • Corollary: Anything can be used as a hammer.

    

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